Grief during the holidays
What we love about the holidays is that they are our holiday. We look forward to the family foods, the music, the entertainment that comes wrapped up in the people we love with a shiny bow on top. That set up makes it doubly hard when we are missing a loved one. We turn left and see that Christmas moose we bought together on a whim at that little store on the corner or look to the right and realize there won’t be another wood-grilled turkey he spent years perfecting. Oh that smell on a cold November morning!
When I woke up Thanksgiving morning, I saw this Facebook post:
"Setting the table for Thanksgiving, my husband asked if we needed the toothpicks out. I broke down bawling. This is the first Thanksgiving without my Dad. He is the only one who always used a toothpick."
Toothpicks. We never know what will trigger the feels - but the loss of a strong relationship is going to hurt - and it's healthy to experience the feelings rather than trying to press them down. (We often try to press them down to protect those around us.)
I am going to address grief deeply in this blog over the coming months - it colors so much of who we are. - In the US we have only been taught to get over it, hide it, look on the bright side, etc. That is simply not healthy and that expectation is actually quite offensive. We need to honor the strong relationship with our loved one we are missing and feel it. We probably need to learn how to even feel it, because it’s so alien in moderan America. So we’ll be looking at it here.
In the meantime, we’ll think about the holidays and how they just aren’t the same color as before. There are certainly good times, but the ache that we are experiencing it without the delight of our loved one beside us of course is going to hurt. And this is not a “fake it ‘till you make it” situation with a pasted smile.
I am attaching "8 Tips to Help Through the Holiday Season." Save it. You'll need it. If not now, I guarantee it is coming. (and if you want more of Gary Roe's practical coping, his book Surviving the Holidays Without You is excellent.
